I've had the pleasure of playing with Mistress Zhao several times now and in that time much of our play has been centered around pain play.
Over the weekend I was discussing masochism with an acquaintance and she mentioned how she found masochism confusing so I thought I would think about mine a little more deeply.
I actually don't like pain... well, I don't like most forms of pain. Nipple play is in its own weird little world. How can something hurt and feels so good at the same time (like wha?!?)? After my last meeting with Mistress Zhao my nipples were killing me as I walked to the train leaving the Fortress. I felt like the clamps she had applied to them must still be on and seriously wondered if my poor little nipples might fall off on the way home. Yet an hour or two later as I watched Marky Mark get shot up on the hills of Afghanistan I noticed I missed the pain and found myself half subconsciously reach up to surreptitiously pinch my nipples to bring back the pain in the dark of the movie theater.
So, if I don't like most forms of pain why would I explore masochism? If I'm playing with someone who will derive some positive emotion from the pain then the act of receiving pain is a form of service. An act of obedience and subordination that'll make Her wetter than a duck in a rainstorm. Doing that makes me feel submissive.
One of the other ways Mistress Zhao will get into my head is to give me a challenge while we do pain play. So I shouldn't move while being shocked, or not drop something that's she has placed in my hand or express my pain openly (more challenging than expected!) while experiencing it. Concentrating on the pain and the challenge concurrently => big time synaptic plasticity.
Pushing myself to tolerate the pain also internally reinforces my strength and toughness which among the ways I view myself. In addition, there can be this sublime moment when pushed a bit further than I think I can go where everything goes away. It's peaceful and meditative and sometimes powerful memories can rush back in when that empty space gets instantly filled back up. When someone takes me there I feel so grateful and just want to melt into her and surrender myself.
It happened last time I met Mistress Zhao. She took me to that space and I felt totally empty and grateful as I kissed her hand to thank her. All of a sudden, I thought of an important person to me and was briefly stunned with emotion.
It's not always pain. Sometimes emotional or physical discomfort that isn't painful can have the same effect. There was a powerful moment when Mistress Zhao chose to open my throat... she was atop me with her fingers deep in the back of my pharynx. I struggled to overcome primitive reflexes and do as she told me. Something about the devious wickedness in her eyes and the way she calmly coaxed me made me feel... so... forced and vulnerable and more...
Anyways, a big thank you to Mistress Zhao. For those who haven't met her she is much more than a sadist. I also love exploring my kinks of being forced or controlled or trained or pleasing her. I find the electricity of her nearness to be very dear when we play. She always makes me laugh, does something magical, allows me to explore vulnerability, flabbergasts me and teaches me something. Sometimes, she befuddles me but that's a limit we only approach with extreme caution.
