BacchusNYC

Firstly, congratulations! It took me a while to go from being interested in playing to actually getting up the courage to go to a munch. Below is a summary of my first experience, FWIW. My first session was years ago back in Texas. I went out to a munch and got picked up and invited to a private play party. Down in Texas, rather than clubs, play parties in private houses are more common with typically 15-25 people attending. I knew that I was interested in BDSM, but was completely new to the scene and while I thought the idea of being played sounded fun in the abstract, I really wasn't sure why anyone would want to have their ass paddled :-) After we'd had our first drink and I'd nervously watched some of the other people starting to play, I was invited to lean over a table, and I felt incredibly self conscious as my pants were pulled down and my dom started to gently flog my bare ass - in full view of a bunch of complete strangers. However, at some point, I just completely tuned into the session and everything else seemed very far away. As the flogging built up a pleasant warmth in my ass, and as the pleasure started to play on the edge of pain, I just felt this amazing feeling of being in the moment, experiencing the play and totally trusting my dom for the night. Even though the physical stimulus wasn't that intense, that is still one of the top few sessions as a sub I've ever experienced. I was so far out of my comfort zone mentally and had to trust so much that it was just an awesome experience. After the session, we just hugged and chilled for maybe 45 minutes before I started to be able to string meaningful sentences together again. It was quite a trip :-) As for your session, firstly, great choice with Ms. Chan. Got to play with Minnie recently and she wasn't too bad (actually, she was awesome, but don't let her know I said that - can't have her getting too confident :-) ). Secondly, I'd recommend you just keep busy with your life. Don't sweat it. You're gonna blow an hour or two and a little money and afterwards you'll know a little more than before - about BDSM and about yourself. That's a win, whatever the experience is like. Don't have huge expectations, remember that fantasies and reality are different things, and just let the session flow and enjoy. I'm pretty sure you'll be back for more, but why not post what it was like after the session, so we can all share the fun?

I agree. I also respect true doms and true subs, but for me, they're missing half the fun. It's like your bookish friends you can discuss Voltaire with but who don't know how great it feels to go surfing or boarding. Or your sporty friends who just don't "get" why books can be so cooooool . . . I gotta say, that you might want to look at your profile page though . . . http://fortressnyc.com/Players/Chan/index.htm "If you are Dominant, Submissive, or as yet undecided Switch . . ." I think maybe you should try out a new paddle on whoever wrote that copy :-) Heck, my own dang fault. I've been traveling *way* too much. I've had a blast, but not had a chance to get my dating groove on in NYC! One of these days I'll ask you more about that one, but yeah, I have a couple of stories like that too - luckily none of the serious ones involved me directly . . . For me kink is like spice. I love it, but rather than just piling on more and more I like to use it selectively to enhance the meal rather than making it the basis of every dish. I like romance, palling around, talking seriously, riding competitively, sharing dreams, trying new experiences and getting crazy kinky. I find mix and match makes all of the experiences more intense. Maybe I'll check out alt.com again when I get settled back in NYC next year. I tried it a while back and had a couple of cool experiences (funnily enough, one dom, one sub). That's my pitch too :-) Shame I don't switch P4P, but no doubt we'll end up saying "hi" one of these days!

Hi Minnie, You are welcome! It is interesting. A lot of "true tops/doms" I know would never bottom - it just isn't their thing. They like topping, but bottoming doesn't work for them at all. I've also known a number of subs (both male and female) over the years who would have no interest in topping. I also know plenty of tops and bottoms who don't think switches are *real* tops/bottoms but are just undecided/unclear. In fact, in general I've noticed that quite a few people within the scene have negative reactions to switches. I've also found that if I describe myself as a switch it's often harder to get play partners, so when I go out on a given evening (when I'm not in a vanilla relationship!), I'll usually identify/act/be one or the other. The upside is that I'll seldom go to a club without at least finding someone to play with. The downside is that only maybe 1 in 10 of the people I play with will also be switches, so I tend to get bored after a while trying to play the role they would like me to stay within. The other 1 in 10 - however - keep me nicely amused for a while :-) I do agree with you that even if you have a preferred role, trying the alternate role brings a lot more empathy and understanding and I think it's a great thing to try both sides even if you identify one way or another, but I know many people just aren't comfortable doing so. I also love the balance of being able to switch. To me, a switch is someone who is comfortable with both roles and is happy to immerse themselves in both experiences. I could no more choose topping over bottoming that I could choose feeling over seeing. In terms of the girlfriend thing, firstly, it's just plain hard to find a kinky girlfriend that I'd also want to date. I love incredibly smart, successful, well rounded, cute girls who've got lots going on in their lives and plenty of options and unfortunately such girls aren't all that common in the places I've looked in the scene, so I'm usually introducing vanilla girls to kink. That's OK as many of them have some submissive fantasies, but it's usually difficult to find a vanilla girl who'll really step into both the dom and sub roles - it's not that they aren't out there - it's just a matter of the specificity of the search criteria and the fact that there are only so many evenings in a lifetime to go through the potential candidates! I also find it's hard to get a balance between a regular life and kinky play. Personally I'm not a lifestyle dom or sub. I like to tie girls up, to make them moan, to make them beg and then (usually) to make love to them, so for me, topping is all about creating amazing sensations (and making pretty packages - I'm just starting to learn more about rope bondage - just in time to tie up a package for xmas :-) ). That doesn't mean I just play light (although I'm not into single tails, cutting or branding), but it's all about the emotions I can evoke. Sometimes it's gentle sensations, sometimes it's completely messing with their beliefs about what and who they are, but the goal is always to help them to have a great experience and to be stronger for it (before I went into business I used to be a hypnotherapist in the UK for a while, so I'm very into "well formed outcomes"). Equally, I'm not going to kneel down every evening and do the chores. Pain is one thing, but doing all the chores? That's just cruel and unusual :-) I'm more of a bottom than a sub, although I find that bottoming will bring out my submissive side. None of the girls I date are classically submissive (as in "whatever you want, dear"), although I find I usually bring out submissive sexual tendencies in a fair number of girls - including some that usually top and in at least one that was a pro dom when we met back in Houston a few years ago. I have a strong personality and love "messing" with girls and one thing often leads to another. In fact, I don't think I've ever actually dated a truly quiet/submissive girl - not enough fire to keep me around. I have mixed feelings about introducing vanilla girls to topping. The issue for me is usually one of safety. I can top a vanilla girl and pretty much whatever happens physically or emotionally I'm comfortable in dealing with it. When I'm introducing a vanilla girl to topping, power exchange is impractical as it just isn't safe. We'll do some sensation play and some of the girls are naturals, but there is a long road from natural top to safe, capable and knowledgeable top, so I can't really just let go and drop into subspace. My ideal partner would be someone with experience in both topping and bottoming who enjoyed both (without identifying as a lifestyler) and who had the rest of their life seriously together. I'm still looking, I'm but thoroughly enjoying the process of looking :-)

> If you are Dominant, Submissive, or as yet undecided Switch . . . I think this quote from your mistress page actually captures a very common perception about switches. Perhaps you should have it rewritten to: > If you are Dominant, Submissive, or a doubly decadent Switch unwilling to limit yourself to only one half of the fun . . . :-)

This can be quite common and it's really a good idea if you're playing quite a bit to check out some of the BDSM clubs - maybe turning up to the munches (informal dinners) so you can build a support network of people with similar interests for chatting about this stuff in real time. Google for BDSM in New York. Back in the day I remember The Eulenspiel Society and DomSubFriends. Not sure what the scene is now as I (a) travel a lot and ( am currently in a vanilla relationship when in NYC and she's not really into the clubs/scene. There is a pretty direct connection between the body and emotions, and in addition psychological play like public humiliation can easily raise issues which can bring a really intense emotional response. Generally you might want to avoid play that brings up those kind of responses for you in a professional play setting only because there are limits to the time available for aftercare in these kinds of sessions. There is no way of knowing what'll cause a problem in advance, but if a particular type of play fires something off you might want to be cautious around that kind of play for a bit. Just some general thoughts are that if something comes up, stay with it,remember to breath, focus on being in your body, and if you need a break, safeword. In very general terms, if something comes up and you can handle it and breathe through it, that can be cathartic, but if you're feeling out of control or overwhelmed, slow things down, breathe, and immediately let the dom know that you're having a hard time.

Focus on finding a respected and skillful dom (Jessy seems to get good reviews on this score - guess I'll find out in a couple of weeks :-) ). Take your time. Understand that the fantasy of submission and BDSM is different from the reality - there's a lot of stuff that would seem great when whacking off that really may not be your thing in when you try it. The first few times, you really just want to focus on gaining a little experience, limit your expectations, and just go with it. As per the previous posts, be honest about your desires. Whether you want branded with a cattle iron or to lick toes, the dom will have heard it all before - it's all cool (well, OK, the branding might not be a great idea to start off with - a good example of something that you might want to either avoid or work up to!). Also understand that like any relationship, you'll get out what you put in and chemistry matters. I've played with some people (pay and free) where the chemistry was exceptional and others where we just didn't vibe. Oh, and apart from sharing all your kinky fantasies (which is actually a positive sign and one of the biggest predictors of a good session), don't be weird :-) Dress OK, don't smell too bad when you come to the session, and unless you've got a gag in, drooling isn't cool :-)

I'm a switch (although usually I'll identify as a dom and occasionally as a sub - pay for play I always sub). I find that most people I played with in the scene (I'm in a dry spell in a vanilla relationship right now, although it looks like that'll be changing shortly) you establish a power dynamic fairly quickly and for a given couple there will often be fairly static roles. I used to meet lots of girls that might be bi and would top women but that preferred to be submissive in their main M/F relationship. I've very seldom come across true switches that were easily capable of switching roles with the same person (although I'm still looking as that'd be my ideal :-) ). As for switching within a session, if I bottom properly and it's an intense session, I go deep into subspace and after that I'm looking to just roll up in a corner and be hugged - it blows out all of my dom energy. Not to say I couldn't get my ass beat for a while and then change roles, but that isn't really bottoming for me - that's just a little bit of fun. Equally if I'm doing my job right at a top, I find that my sub is usually pretty much mush after a session so there's no way they'd be in the mind space to top. Not to say you couldn't switch over the course of a longer evening, and I've tried that a few times, but I tend to find that I prefer to take a role for an evening and then really get into it - whatever that role might be.

Enjoy and have a good time?! I haven't played with her yet, but I've got a feeling you'll enjoy the experience. If you've played elsewhere, you probably know the basics. Don't be shy - share what you're into both in terms of the specific types of play and the vibe/mood you're looking for. I'm a smart assed massochist, some people are worshipful subs. Also, don't have huge expectations. When I first started to pay for play occasionally I wanted to really make each session perfect and wild. Now I'll take that when I can get it, but I'm just clear about what I'm into/not into and then I just let the session flow and see where it goes. Some are better, some are less good, just part of the game. Have fun (and let us all know what it was like afterwards :-) )