Torture and over-using safeword

[mranderson]

Hi there,

I'm in a loving, open and kinky relationship with a girl with whom I switch with (we don't really do D/s, it's more sadism/masochism). Since we started playing a few years ago I've always overused my safeword (when I'm bottoming), which both of us find really frustrating. I'm not sure why I can't "let go" - I used to be able to play quite hard (I was around 22 then, now I'm 34).

 

Anyhow we were both wondering if seeing a professional might help, as my girlfriend said "like when you take your cat to the vet and it suddenly behaves itself". I read in another thread on here Mistress Katz (or Rey) saying how they sometimes implement "severe punishments" for overusing a safeword, and I'm wondering if that would work for my own problem?

[Dannyboy]

Hi there,

I'm in a loving, open and kinky relationship with a girl with whom I switch with (we don't really do D/s, it's more sadism/masochism). Since we started playing a few years ago I've always overused my safeword (when I'm bottoming), which both of us find really frustrating. I'm not sure why I can't "let go" - I used to be able to play quite hard (I was around 22 then, now I'm 34).

 

Anyhow we were both wondering if seeing a professional might help, as my girlfriend said "like when you take your cat to the vet and it suddenly behaves itself". I read in another thread on here Mistress Katz (or Rey) saying how they sometimes implement "severe punishments" for overusing a safeword, and I'm wondering if that would work for my own problem?

mrnserson:

 

I will leave it to the professionals to offer a more professional response. Just offering some disconnected thoughts on the subject.

 

In professional sessions safe words are given and heeded for a reason.

 

Where the connection with a Mistress is strong, the safe words are not invoked because limits are discerned by the Mistress before they are surpassed.

 

If you are saying that your pain threshold has diminished over the years you may have identified the problem. You might play without a safe word or perhaps agree that the safe word could be ignored for a brief moment or two. Possibly you could set certain benchmarks that have to be reached before a safe word will be honored.

 

I've played without a safe word at the Fortress except for the last time. During that session my young lady and the Mistress both forced me to use the safe word because of unbearable nipple torture.

 

When I play privately with my young lady we never provide for a safe word. I've taught her how to judge the severity by my reactions. I've also taught her to have a personal goal when engaging in corporal which may conflict with my limits.

 

Good luck,

Dannyboy

[captyveny]

It's called "topping from the bottom". The "bottom" controls the session, not the "top" when the safe word is over-used. The safe word is a flat "STOP". You may consider shouting out another word to warn the top that you are nearing the edge and that the top should "slow down". Alternatively, and candidly, I've found that early in my BDSM stages, I'd shout out the "safe word" in a moment of elation, when I really meant

[captyveny]

It's called "topping from the bottom". The "bottom" controls the session, not the "top" when the safe word is over-used. The safe word is a flat "STOP". You may consider shouting out another word to warn the top that you are nearing the edge and that the top should "slow down". Alternatively, and candidly, I've found that early in my BDSM stages, I'd shout out the "safe word" in a moment of elation, when I really meant

don't stop, don't stop.

[Lonewolf]

MISTRESS SOPHIA SADISTIC KATZ...regarding TORTURE vs SAFE WORD overuse...after 13 sessions of most SENSUALLY TORTUROUS BLISS she instinctively senses my extreme limits and acts accordingly...forever pushing my limits ever so AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY...but her INSIDIOUS CRUEL interminable intent is not fully abated in her tormenting presence as she eases up to address your situation and proceeds accordingly..."KATZ meOWWWW" style...Lonewolfs CRUEL JEWEL honed to ultra TORTUROUS PERFECTION!!!...mranderson...welcome to the INCOMPARABLE FETISH FORTRESS.

[Mistress Rey]

Seeing an experienced Mistress could help the both of you. She could figure out exactly how to keep you from fleeing the difficult parts of the scene!

[Mistress Sophia Katz]

Hi there,

I'm in a loving, open and kinky relationship with a girl with whom I switch with (we don't really do D/s, it's more sadism/masochism). Since we started playing a few years ago I've always overused my safeword (when I'm bottoming), which both of us find really frustrating. I'm not sure why I can't "let go" - I used to be able to play quite hard (I was around 22 then, now I'm 34).

 

Anyhow we were both wondering if seeing a professional might help, as my girlfriend said "like when you take your cat to the vet and it suddenly behaves itself". I read in another thread on here Mistress Katz (or Rey) saying how they sometimes implement "severe punishments" for overusing a safeword, and I'm wondering if that would work for my own problem?

The trick is for your girlfriend to find a suitable torture that is unpleasant enough for you to not enjoy it, but tolerable enough that it would be unnecessary for you to use your safe word.  For example, she could do something like dump a bucket of cold water on your back and let you shiver for a while.  Another idea would be if you find tickling unpleasant but not beyond your limits, she could tie you up and tickle your feet for five minutes straight.  There are many possibilities depending on what you find unpleasant and it is up to the two of you to explore and find the option distasteful enough to you that you will think twice before calling out your safe word.

MISTRESS SOPHIA SADISTIC KATZ...regarding TORTURE vs SAFE WORD overuse...after 13 sessions of most SENSUALLY TORTUROUS BLISS she instinctively senses my extreme limits and acts accordingly...forever pushing my limits ever so AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY...but her INSIDIOUS CRUEL interminable intent is not fully abated in her tormenting presence as she eases up to address your situation and proceeds accordingly..."KATZ meOWWWW" style...Lonewolfs CRUEL JEWEL honed to ultra TORTUROUS PERFECTION!!!...mranderson...welcome to the INCOMPARABLE FETISH FORTRESS.

Well, thank you.

[Mistress Jane Li]

Hi mranderson,

 

If you feel you are overusing your safeword, perhaps you haven't quite reached your ideal headspace during play. Is there something you're looking to achieve by letting go? What about your partner? Are you sure the both of you understand each other's needs and wants?

[mranderson]

Hi,
Thanks everyone for the lovely responses. I particularly like Mistress Sophia Katz's solution of having some unpleasant punishment for safewording. When I'm topping my girlfriend I'm pretty mean, and will often be able to bring her to tears. I'd like to be able to experience that for myself. And I think she also gets frustrated that her times as a top are often cut short. Punishment for safewording is something she's been suggesting actually, as she points out "you shouldn't be safewording if you know something is safe".

Two of the quickest things that will make me safeword are clover clamps on nipples, or caning. I actually love both and they're both something I fantasize about, and I usually regret not going through with it soon after. We discussed not having a safeword for caning, with a small number of strokes.

I think at the root of it I get scared that the pain is so bad that it must be dangerous, or I must be bleeding or something.

[Mistress Sophia Katz]

Hi,

Thanks everyone for the lovely responses. I particularly like Mistress Sophia Katz's solution of having some unpleasant punishment for safewording. When I'm topping my girlfriend I'm pretty mean, and will often be able to bring her to tears. I'd like to be able to experience that for myself. And I think she also gets frustrated that her times as a top are often cut short. Punishment for safewording is something she's been suggesting actually, as she points out "you shouldn't be safewording if you know something is safe".

 

Two of the quickest things that will make me safeword are clover clamps on nipples, or caning. I actually love both and they're both something I fantasize about, and I usually regret not going through with it soon after. We discussed not having a safeword for caning, with a small number of strokes.

 

I think at the root of it I get scared that the pain is so bad that it must be dangerous, or I must be bleeding or something.

It's common to be concerned when experiencing pain-- after all, that is why we have pain in nature.  At the moment you experience that fear and concern, try to reassure yourself that you trust your girlfriend and she is keeping an eye on the situation.  Also, there might be a part of you that does not want to relinquish control.  This is also very natural in pain situations, since again in nature, if you are in pain you'd seek to fix the problem.

[Mistress Justine Shankar]

There's been some great advice here already! I think a tendency to overuse a safeword most often arises from trust issues between Domme and sub, and from fear of the deep vulnerability that submission entails. With regard to pain and physical limits, I think seeing a professional could be very helpful, as Mistresses are extremely practiced and careful in what we do -- we can push you to your limits in a safe, controlled, and experienced way. 

 

i think subbing, especially with a loving partner, can be incredibly deep and intimate in ways we don't know if we're prepared for. It can be a place where one's emotions, spirit,  and physicality come together with an intensity we don't know how to handle, often have never experienced before. Weighty, uncharted territory can be terrifying in that we don't necessarily know how we'll react to certain parts of ourselves being pushed; do you trust your partner to be able to read your emotional and physical state when you're not verbal? I think it can be worth exploring the types of play you're most scared of slowly and deliberately, so you both can learn how the other reacts to a given activity/intensity and get a gauge on where you're at without using words. Importantly, so you yourself can gain some familiarity with your own reactions, and let yourself have them without judgment. Once you can trust someone to read you like this -- and alter play accordingly -- I think reliance on a safeword can lift.