When did you know...

[Mistress Zhao]

Hey Bradley,

 

Thanks for being so candid and open with your story. I find that a lot of people have such events of dysfunction and woe in their past, and so having shame about it is a waste of energy. It's great that you've embraced your own duality (leader/follower) and you make it work for you. It's super important for that kind of balance to be a part of life.

 

xx

 

it wasn't until about a year ago that I realized I have been a submissive all my life.

I have found myself very unfulfilled, depressed and lacking. I began soul searching and came to the realization that I don't like being in the number 1 control spot. I looked back and saw that as a child I was always looking to please my mother and father. I did everything they asked, always seeking approval. I'm not saying I didn't get approval, my parents were very supportive. It's just I enjoyed being good. My friends were always the ones who took control of the activities and I went along with whatever came on the table. This went on through HS and after that, I found that my friends had moved on to college or whatever. Oh yeah I forgot to mention in HS, I was molested by the minister of our church and my mother had an affair with my best friend's father and they were going to get married but he had second thoughts and went back to his wife. i've always thought that played a role in any disfunction I may have developed, but not as much as you might think. Anyway, after living on my own for a couple years I decided to go to college and, having a couple years maturity on the other students, I started taking on leadership roles. I had success with this and continued taking on more responsibility and leadership.

I have a successful career, but directing and being responsible for so many has worn me out. I realized I would rather just be number two and have someone else take the lead. I've discovered that my cooperative nature was a way for me to give up some control. I would love to return to a secondary role, but, I am too far down the road to surrender and give up this vanilla life. In the meantime the Fortress has provided me with some relief.

[Manpeach]

Dear Mistress Zhao

 

Thanks for understanding. As I said in the post I've never let that out to anyone before.

I could never burden the people around me with this. It really is great posting with you, all the mistresses and the subs of the FF.

and of course the sessions are fantastic! I wish I could visit more often. I'm looking forward to reviving Bond at our next session.

 

Bradley

[Johnny000000]

Hi Johnny

Thanks for the kind thoughts. That post is the first time I've ever admitted that to anyone. the minister ended up at Marble Collegiate Church

with Norman Vincent Peale. I never thought our relationship was solely sexual, he was a positive influence on me growing up. and it was a long time before he approached me in a sexual nature. He never required me to preform on him, I was seduced to allow him to perform oral on me.

there was so much good at the time I hate to think it was all just to get into my pants. But when i see how jerry sandusky operated I'm forced to consider he was the same.

There must be some subconscious effects, but I haven't felt the need to dwell on it. I just push it in the background.

 

well I've said more than I ever intended too on this subject

 

get some sleep Johnny

Hey Bradley:

 

How are you? I hope that you're doing great. I just wanted to say thank you for writing me back. After you had mentioned that you had already said more than you ever intended, I wasn't sure how to respond & I didn't want you to feel that you needed to say more than you felt comfortable saying at that time - so I just said have a good night.

 

But being that I just responded with only good night, I didn't want you to think that I didn't bother to read your post or wasn't interested or anything like that because I did read the whole post & I'm sure it takes a lot of courage to talk about those things that you mentioned & I thank you for sharing those details with me & just like Mistress Zhao was saying, I too think it's amazing that you're doing this - if this is what you need to heal & have peace of mind & balance, then I'm honored to have had the oppurtunity to be part of that.

 

I wish you the best of luck - you seem like a really cool dude & someone with a good heart.

[Manpeach]

Hey Johnny

 

Thanks for the post. I did say more than I intended. It all just kind came out.

that doesn't mean I'm not willing to share more.

 

I don't want to be a downer or detract from the BDSM forum theme. I would need permission from Mistress Kang before I would go on. I don't want to spark another "STFU" moment.

 

But be assured I deal with this well. We all have our challenges and I've had plenty of blessings offset the pitfalls

 

Thanks again

[Mistress Kang]

Hey Johnny

 

Thanks for the post. I did say more than I intended. It all just kind came out.

that doesn't mean I'm not willing to share more.

 

I don't want to be a downer or detract from the BDSM forum theme. I would need permission from Mistress Kang before I would go on. I don't want to spark another "STFU" moment.

 

But be assured I deal with this well. We all have our challenges and I've had plenty of blessings offset the pitfalls

 

Thanks again

 

Bradley- Not many people can open up about something so personal and private. To me you've always seemed to be a well-rounded individual...who likes being "under our feet" :wink: Overcoming such a traumatic event in your young life is doubly impressive because you did it on your own. You're like a math genius, turning a negative into a positive :wink:

 

I appreciate your being considerate to the Forum's subject matter; to expect you to share more than you've already offered would insensitive. As for the "STFU moment"- Johnny and I have a brief history (restricted to the Forum) of his..incensant chatter, politely put LOL You and I have sessioned and knowing you'll be back soon gives me time to plan how I'd deal with you and much more creatively!

 

 

 

(If you're ready to share more with us I do have an idea, it's unusual but not unprecidented. After talking face-to-face, and if everyone is comfortable with the it, perhaps it can be positively incorporate it into a scene? In any event, it's just an idea, for you to address ad lib.)

[Manpeach]

 

 

Bradley- Not many people can open up about something so personal and private. To me you've always seemed to be a well-rounded individual...who likes being "under our feet" :wink: Overcoming such a traumatic event in your young life is doubly impressive because you did it on your own. You're like a math genius, turning a negative into a positive :wink:

 

I appreciate your being considerate to the Forum's subject matter; to expect you to share more than you've already offered would insensitive. As for the "STFU moment"- Johnny and I have a brief history (restricted to the Forum) of his..incensant chatter, politely put LOL You and I have sessioned and knowing you'll be back soon gives me time to plan how I'd deal with you and much more creatively

 

 

 

(If you're ready to share more with us I do have an idea, it's unusual but not unprecidented. After talking face-to-face, and if everyone is comfortable with the it, perhaps it can be positively incorporate it into a scene? In any event, it's just an idea, for you to address ad lib.)

 

Okay Mistress Kang, we'll talk.

Thank you

[akiravn1]

it wasn't until about a year ago that I realized I have been a submissive all my life.

I have found myself very unfulfilled, depressed and lacking. I began soul searching and came to the realization that I don't like being in the number 1 control spot. I looked back and saw that as a child I was always looking to please my mother and father. I did everything they asked, always seeking approval. I'm not saying I didn't get approval, my parents were very supportive. It's just I enjoyed being good. My friends were always the ones who took control of the activities and I went along with whatever came on the table. This went on through HS and after that, I found that my friends had moved on to college or whatever. Oh yeah I forgot to mention in HS, I was molested by the minister of our church and my mother had an affair with my best friend's father and they were going to get married but he had second thoughts and went back to his wife. i've always thought that played a role in any disfunction I may have developed, but not as much as you might think. Anyway, after living on my own for a couple years I decided to go to college and, having a couple years maturity on the other students, I started taking on leadership roles. I had success with this and continued taking on more responsibility and leadership.

I have a successful career, but directing and being responsible for so many has worn me out. I realized I would rather just be number two and have someone else take the lead. I've discovered that my cooperative nature was a way for me to give up some control. I would love to return to a secondary role, but, I am too far down the road to surrender and give up this vanilla life. In the meantime the Fortress has provided me with some relief.

 

Bradley,

 

Thanks for opening up in the manner in which you did and telling your story. So much a what you detailed about your dislike of the number one control spot, I can honestly identify with. Through school and while working, for some reason people saw that kind of potential in me and continually tried to create those kinds of situations for me to thrive in and I have to tell you, even though I did not fail, I never once felt comfortable. In fact, I always had a preference for being a behind the scenes kind of person. I was always perfectly fine with someone else taking charge, but never minded them asking my advice, so it doesn't surprise me at all that I would much rather submit.

[Manpeach]

Mistress Kang

You are very insightful. I would never miss an opportunity to talk with you face to face.

I'd love to discuss how this could be positively incorporated in a future session.

 

Thank you

[Manpeach]

Bradley,

 

Thanks for opening up in the manner in which you did and telling your story. So much a what you detailed about your dislike of the number one control spot, I can honestly identify with. Through school and while working, for some reason people saw that kind of potential in me and continually tried to create those kinds of situations for me to thrive in and I have to tell you, even though I did not fail, I never once felt comfortable. In fact, I always had a preference for being a behind the scenes kind of person. I was always perfectly fine with someone else taking charge, but never minded them asking my advice, so it doesn't surprise me at all that I would much rather submit.

 

Hi akiran

it's good to know I'm not alone here. Our society pushes us into to this. I've always been about following rules and when I was pushed to become a leader I submissively gave in. Ironic, No?

I've never been into to having power over people or ever dreamed of exploiting someone. Now that I'm older and pretty much where my life is going, my drive and confidence has slacked.

So, I'm very happy to be, as Mistress Kang put it "under the feet" of the FF mistresses

[Mistress Zhao]

The more I think about Bond, the more I understand your relation to him. He seems to be in control all the time, but there are moments in his films where he clearly is not. And although he's caught in a seeming death trap between some gorgeous woman's clutches, he's also scheming as he feigns (or experiences actual) enjoyment.

What fun power play!

 

 

Dear Mistress Zhao

 

Thanks for understanding. As I said in the post I've never let that out to anyone before.

I could never burden the people around me with this. It really is great posting with you, all the mistresses and the subs of the FF.

and of course the sessions are fantastic! I wish I could visit more often. I'm looking forward to reviving Bond at our next session.

 

Bradley

[Manpeach]

Dear Mistress Zhao

 

It will be interesting to experience how you use all this new insight on me in our next session.

 

B

[jack29]

I did not become aware until i was older. more recently. but i look back on my life and see things and think how could I not be into fetish and things started to make sense. Admittedly my mother didn't cut my hair until i was 2-3...she used to dress me as a girl for halloween. Had worn hand me downs from my female neighbors. Jeans with no space in front are tought to wear as a young 5-6 yr old guy. It also was obvious that my mom prefered girls and gave most of her attention to my sisters. Now my father was always disappointed that I was not more stocky and strong. i was skinny. I began to try and prove I was tough and manly. Now I am bigger and still have the stigma in my mind of being skinny and weak. Even my Job is a job for masculine males..both parents left me feeling the need to impress them in different ways. which caused me to seek approval and want to please.

 

Even an early relationships had affects on me to. My best friend growing up till i was 8, was a the girl next door. I am not sure how or why, but i used to let her put things down my pants. filling them and exerting pressure on my groin. It was not quite ball busting or cbt, but it made me feel good the slight pain, attention she gave me.

One of my early sexual relationships, I had a girlfriend who was totally into teasing me and denying me, making me beg. She also has kind of started me off on a more cuckold type fetish. Being that she cheated on me and I still had strong feelings for her for a long time. Of course I realize now, that I was turned on by her lust and sexual appetite, but her lack of honesty and trust had a very negative affect. Which is a huge difference in cuckolding. Granted I have not been in a cuck relationship, but it has been a fantasy that has developed. The whole inadequate male, woman loves you but needs a man to please her.

another experience, was also the first time a girl surprised me with a finger you know where. It felt good, but was taboo, for a guy to things shoved up his ass. Eventually, the type of women who enjoy that tend to be more aggressive, sexually open/free and alpha types. Which led me to crave ass play, then strapon. Always conflicting my need to prove myself as a man, with the feelings of doubt and inadequacy about liking anal play. Brought me back to stuff my mom used to do as she literally cross dressed me. I am super turned on about forced sissification. It stricks a cord with my need to prove myself as masculine bravado, embarasses me. Women who enjoy this manor of control drive me wild.

There are also some physical abusive affection, I will not get into...meaning a reason I crave discipline. I think it's because it was the most attention I recieved as a kid. So craving parents attention I turned to look for punishment and negative praise to fill the void normal support brings.

All of these factors are clear as day in retrospect, but I was not aware of them until I reflected about why I enjoy certain activities. I find it very intriguing I can remember an experience from my youth that shaped my fetish cravings.

[Mistress Faye Sunya]

I did not become aware until i was older. more recently. but i look back on my life and see things and think how could I not be into fetish and things started to make sense. Admittedly my mother didn't cut my hair until i was 2-3...she used to dress me as a girl for halloween. Had worn hand me downs from my female neighbors. Jeans with no space in front are tought to wear as a young 5-6 yr old guy. It also was obvious that my mom prefered girls and gave most of her attention to my sisters. Now my father was always disappointed that I was not more stocky and strong. i was skinny. I began to try and prove I was tough and manly. Now I am bigger and still have the stigma in my mind of being skinny and weak. Even my Job is a job for masculine males..both parents left me feeling the need to impress them in different ways. which caused me to seek approval and want to please.

 

Even an early relationships had affects on me to. My best friend growing up till i was 8, was a the girl next door. I am not sure how or why, but i used to let her put things down my pants. filling them and exerting pressure on my groin. It was not quite ball busting or cbt, but it made me feel good the slight pain, attention she gave me.

One of my early sexual relationships, I had a girlfriend who was totally into teasing me and denying me, making me beg. She also has kind of started me off on a more cuckold type fetish. Being that she cheated on me and I still had strong feelings for her for a long time. Of course I realize now, that I was turned on by her lust and sexual appetite, but her lack of honesty and trust had a very negative affect. Which is a huge difference in cuckolding. Granted I have not been in a cuck relationship, but it has been a fantasy that has developed. The whole inadequate male, woman loves you but needs a man to please her.

another experience, was also the first time a girl surprised me with a finger you know where. It felt good, but was taboo, for a guy to things shoved up his ass. Eventually, the type of women who enjoy that tend to be more aggressive, sexually open/free and alpha types. Which led me to crave ass play, then strapon. Always conflicting my need to prove myself as a man, with the feelings of doubt and inadequacy about liking anal play. Brought me back to stuff my mom used to do as she literally cross dressed me. I am super turned on about forced sissification. It stricks a cord with my need to prove myself as masculine bravado, embarasses me. Women who enjoy this manor of control drive me wild.

There are also some physical abusive affection, I will not get into...meaning a reason I crave discipline. I think it's because it was the most attention I recieved as a kid. So craving parents attention I turned to look for punishment and negative praise to fill the void normal support brings.

All of these factors are clear as day in retrospect, but I was not aware of them until I reflected about why I enjoy certain activities. I find it very intriguing I can remember an experience from my youth that shaped my fetish cravings.

 

Thanks for sharing your story with so much detail.

It is always interesting to hear how events that happen early on in our lives shape who we are today.

[Mistress Haru]

I truly admire our mistresses abilities to empathize while also leaving an open but fun environment for self-reflection and exploration.

 

The earlier incidents in our life are complex and have a significant impact on our lives and it's great to see that all of you are comfortable with us.

[SlaveD]

When I was very young, I was always attracted to bossy girls... even when I was eight or nine, I remember that my skin tingled

when a girl spoke fresh to me... I didn't know why, but I liked it. When I was in the 8th grade, I guess I was 14, I was in the gym

and I walked by a group of girls who were wrestling. I watched them for a while.This one girl, a real tomboy, Erica, was winning

all the matches. The other girls started to tell Erica that if she thought she was so strong, she should wrestle a boy, and they all

pointed at me. I felt embarrassed, but before long I was on the mat, facing Erica. I was bigger than her, and we were both wearing

t-shirts and gym shorts. She rushed at me and shoved me. All the girls were cheering for Erica, and when she shoved me again,

I grabbed her arms and threw her down on the mat. She didn't like it and jumped-up and we grappled for a few moments till I grabbed

her and threw her down on the mat again. I got on top of her and I was trying to pin her when her hand came up between my legs

and grabbed my crotch and squeezed it as hard as she could. It HURT LIKE HELL and I couldn't pull her hand away and I started

begging her to stop. Finally, she let go of me and got up, leaving me on the mat, laying on my stomach, holding my balls.

All the girls stood around me, laughing, telling Erica she had really kicked my ass. And for the next month, whenever one of the

girls passed me in the hallway, they'd grab their crotch and ridicule me.

I didn't know why, but it was a big turn-on... and forty years later, I still think about it sometimes, and it still turns me on.

[akiravn1]

I truly admire our mistresses abilities to empathize while also leaving an open but fun environment for self-reflection and exploration.

 

The earlier incidents in our life are complex and have a significant impact on our lives and it's great to see that all of you are comfortable with us.

 

Mistress Haru,

 

I always feel extremely comfortable opening up to a Mistress, as She would see me in ways I would not dare show to others. The embarrassment I would feel in front of others seeing me in certain precarious positions is not present when with a Mistress, that changes to a feeling of release. I love feeling vulnerable to a Mistress, knowing that she is in complete control of my entire body, to do with it as She pleases. I also like the thought of revealing things to Her which would give Her more of an understanding of how to control and manipulate me psychologically as well as physically. Every advantage She has to put me at a disadvantage is enjoyed all the more.

[Mistress Yao]

I truly admire our mistresses abilities to empathize while also leaving an open but fun environment for self-reflection and exploration.

 

The earlier incidents in our life are complex and have a significant impact on our lives and it's great to see that all of you are comfortable with us.

 

I am with you on that Mistress Haru. I'd like to add that I really appreciate those that can play as a submissive in some cases as well. It really helps in understanding those carnal desires if you've been there yourself. As humans we have the ability to trade places with our human counterparts and feel what they feel to better understand them, where as no other animal has the mental/emotional capacity to do so. I like to think every "lion" should try being an "antelope" at least once in their lives.

[akiravn1]

I am with you on that Mistress Haru. I'd like to add that I really appreciate those that can play as a submissive in some cases as well. It really helps in understanding those carnal desires if you've been there yourself. As humans we have the ability to trade places with our human counterparts and feel what they feel to better understand them, where as no other animal has the mental/emotional capacity to do so. I like to think every "lion" should try being an "antelope" at least once in their lives.

 

As I enjoy being in the role of Lion from time to time, which I believe does help me better understand. Ultimately it is the thrill of the chase, being the antelope pursued by the Lion that I seem to enjoy falling victim to, especially if for a single moment I believed that I had the element of surprise on my side or the strangely misguided upper hand. Just wonderful to actually find out how mistaken I was and knowing that I just might be eaten alive.

[Manpeach]

 

 

I am with you on that Mistress Haru. I'd like to add that I really appreciate those that can play as a submissive in some cases as well. It really helps in understanding those carnal desires if you've been there yourself. As humans we have the ability to trade places with our human counterparts and feel what they feel to better understand them, where as no other animal has the mental/emotional capacity to do so. I like to think every "lion" should try being an "antelope" at least once in their lives.

 

As a sub, I really appreciate the thought and empathy the Fortress mistresses put into their craft.

It is a real honor to be of service to them.

 

Mistress Yao, It is nice to hear from you on the forum. And after reading your profile, your interests and training are well suited to the Fortress !

[Mistress Faye Sunya]

As I enjoy being in the role of Lion from time to time, which I believe does help me better understand. Ultimately it is the thrill of the chase, being the antelope pursued by the Lion that I seem to enjoy falling victim to, especially if for a single moment I believed that I had the element of surprise on my side or the strangely misguided upper hand. Just wonderful to actually find out how mistaken I was and knowing that I just might be eaten alive.

 

Wow, it is really interesting to me to learn what it feels like to be a switch. Great metaphor! The hunter and the prey.

[akiravn1]

Wow, it is really interesting to me to learn what it feels like to be a switch. Great metaphor! The hunter and the prey.

 

...and i so enjoy being the hunter only to find out, that I am now at a disadvantage and have suddenly become they prey.