Connection and Presence

[Mistress Fei]

I'm curious to know how often you truly feel connected and present in life.

 

Do you have a particular instance that you can remember of a true connection? A click? If so, how did it feel and why did it stick with you?

 

Who was it? What effect did it have?

 

Do you feel you are able to be present at all times, why or why not?

 

What was a time you felt completely connected, present and in flow in the last month?

 

Do you come to the Fortress to feel that connection, that vulnerability and flow?

 

Always interested in learning more about the human condition and how it relates to BDSM.. Again- feel free to PM me if you have that privilege, if you'd rather speak to me in private. Excited to read and learn more about you.

 

x Fei

 

 

[Fred]

Dear Fei,

 

I was thinking about this last night.  It was the first night in a new apartment.  As I was preparing for the move I was sorting through letters I had written to my grandparents when I was in college.  I read a couple and I was stunned to see how disconnected I was back then.  Those should have been happy days but they weren't.  Many years later it occurred to me that the roots of my depression go back to those days and even earlier.  It's damn near a miracle that I made it through this far as well as I have.

 

I was chatting with someone last night (the person other than you that I recently confided in).  She has ex-boyfriends littering the country.  I mentioned some of my ex-girlfriend, much fewer in number. There was one with whom I felt completely connected and free.  Sadly there were logical reasons on both sides that we would not be together for long.  However, the day we met was a true mountaintop experience (despite the mosquitos in the woods).

 

Fast forward and I'm at another mountain experience, this time with you.  I may have told you that my being there was my gift to myself.  Perhaps I'm not too old to experience life more fully, more connected.  Something changed with our meeting. Perhaps a transformation has begun.

 

I like music.  Unfortunately I have used it mostly to block out feelings that didn't want to feel.  Would you do me the favor?  Use some music at our next session that your really like  Tell me the artist so that I might load it in my iPhone.  I'd like to have it so that I can feel good, to summon up the connectedness with you and with life.  I can be something that I will listen to and recall the joy and aliveness of being with you.  Onward!

 

Fred 

[Outcast]

Mistress Fei, I love your posts and questions! Feeling present and aware is something to strive for but for me can be elusive. I tend to day dream and get caught up in my wants, desires, fears that being present isn't always there. In the last decade I've searched and found some ways to quiet the "monkey mind" and find instances of awareness and peace. Becoming aware of your body and feelings in your body and learning to relax help.

Times in my life where I felt truly present were traumatic or fearful events. I went skydiving once on a tandem jump and.we were the last ones out of the plane. Watching others falling out of plane knowing soon that would be me made me very aware and connected. Also, being in bad car accident in the passenger seat, I felt very aware. It happened so quick but it was like slow motion as I saw it unfold. Also, other incidents made me aware and in the moment.

In the last month I feel connection daily when I exercise. I try and set time to myself to do this and quiet my mind and be present and.feel.

When in session at the FF I do feel present in the moment. Much of the experience is dealing with fear. Fear of not having control, not being liked or good enough, fear of pain. It's a thrill in that respect. Most of the time I would say I am present during sessions.

[Manpeach]

Mistress Fei, I have been uncomfortable in my own skin as long as I can remember.

[Mistress Fei]

Dear Fei,

 

I was thinking about this last night.  It was the first night in a new apartment.  As I was preparing for the move I was sorting through letters I had written to my grandparents when I was in college.  I read a couple and I was stunned to see how disconnected I was back then.  Those should have been happy days but they weren't.  Many years later it occurred to me that the roots of my depression go back to those days and even earlier.  It's damn near a miracle that I made it through this far as well as I have.

 

I was chatting with someone last night (the person other than you that I recently confided in).  She has ex-boyfriends littering the country.  I mentioned some of my ex-girlfriend, much fewer in number. There was one with whom I felt completely connected and free.  Sadly there were logical reasons on both sides that we would not be together for long.  However, the day we met was a true mountaintop experience (despite the mosquitos in the woods).

 

Fast forward and I'm at another mountain experience, this time with you.  I may have told you that my being there was my gift to myself.  Perhaps I'm not too old to experience life more fully, more connected.  Something changed with our meeting. Perhaps a transformation has begun.

 

I like music.  Unfortunately I have used it mostly to block out feelings that didn't want to feel.  Would you do me the favor?  Use some music at our next session that your really like  Tell me the artist so that I might load it in my iPhone.  I'd like to have it so that I can feel good, to summon up the connectedness with you and with life.  I can be something that I will listen to and recall the joy and aliveness of being with you.  Onward!

 

Fred 

 

Fred, what was it about that one ex girlfriend that made you feel so connected and free? Can you describe it?

 

I too know what you mean- I spent so much of my life living in the pain of the past and the anxieties of the future. I was depressed for many years so I understand.

 

I'm honored that you see our meeting as potent and meaningful. The way I affected you is how I hope all of my encounters can go. I consciously work at feeling more connected and present myself so that I can bring that out in others, or have them feel the reassurance of my own full attention. I believe it's the key to living a more fulfilled life and sadly, not very many people know how to do it in our over saturated milieu.

 

Now that it's been some time, can you tell me what has changed? Have you seen this change implemented daily in your actions or thoughts, how?

 

Take care Fred- 

Edited February 28, 2015 by Mistress Fei

[Mistress Fei]

Mistress Fei, I love your posts and questions! Feeling present and aware is something to strive for but for me can be elusive. I tend to day dream and get caught up in my wants, desires, fears that being present isn't always there. In the last decade I've searched and found some ways to quiet the "monkey mind" and find instances of awareness and peace. Becoming aware of your body and feelings in your body and learning to relax help.

Times in my life where I felt truly present were traumatic or fearful events. I went skydiving once on a tandem jump and.we were the last ones out of the plane. Watching others falling out of plane knowing soon that would be me made me very aware and connected. Also, being in bad car accident in the passenger seat, I felt very aware. It happened so quick but it was like slow motion as I saw it unfold. Also, other incidents made me aware and in the moment.

In the last month I feel connection daily when I exercise. I try and set time to myself to do this and quiet my mind and be present and.feel.

When in session at the FF I do feel present in the moment. Much of the experience is dealing with fear. Fear of not having control, not being liked or good enough, fear of pain. It's a thrill in that respect. Most of the time I would say I am present during sessions.

 

I'm so glad that you like my questions! I will continue to ask I'm a daydreamer too. Did you know daydreamers tend to be better at complex problem solving?

 

I suppose being aware is a side effect of the fight or flight response- we need to be clear in the moment to make a fast decision for our own preservation. However, it's also very telling that a lot of your awareness happened in times of actual trauma. Those moments awaken us to our fragility

I understand your fears and I'm sure most people can relate as well. I think those fears will always exist, but we can slowly move towards obliterating them step by step. Especially here at the dungeon we can help you get rid of your fear of pain

[Mistress Fei]

I think that life provides the natural foundation or presence. A human would be overwhelmed if the brain could not release from one particular context. Being present all the time takes focus. Albeit some can do it better than others. My attention span is very limited. I find myself wandering quite frequently. It occurs in general because of the repetitive nature of things of life. When something becomes so prescribed in life, our minds intend to invent new ways to break that monotony. The discipline to force the mind to be present and obtain further depth in a particular area is where some of the greatest thinkers in this world have developed from. Alas I do not have that ability. But I do have the ability to focus in particular contexts with nature, with a specific task, with an incredibly select few people.

 

Exactly. Well put- I feel the same re: limited attention span and "zoning out" to deal with mundanity. Full time work tended to do that to me, and that's when I realized I couldn't wouldn't allow myself to glaze over my life like that even if it's mostly expected from society. We need novel experiences to trigger higher thinking- to stimulate us. Discomfort is a strengthener.

 

I wonder what all of those people, tasks, and nature mean for you- I'm sure somewhere there's a connection that would explain why they're able to reach you like nothing else.

[Mistress Fei]

Mistress Fei, I have been uncomfortable in my own skin as long as I can remember.

 

But why B! You have such peachy, fuzzy, soft skin!

[Manpeach]

But why B! You have such peachy, fuzzy, soft skin!

 

Awwww Thanks for noticing, Miss Fei, but it is very scratchy and itchy on the inside.

 

While I recall a very happy childhood, it wasn't long before I found myself always struggling to keep up, live up to others expectations and my own visions of what I expected from myself. I have always been outside my comfort zone. Bluffing or studying my way to keep or advance my position. Dealing with situations that were beyond my intelligence and emotional capabilities.  This has served me well in the long run and I don't think I would do it differently given the chance. I am not a workaholic, these situations occur in my personal life as well. These are the things that life is about, but they have taken there toll on me. I am just now beginning to sort them out. 

[Mistress Fei]

Well, I think someone like Misress Zhao would say it is a spiritual linkage, a chemistry, or a an alignment of sorts that causes attraction. I probably am not stating that well, I am not as intelligent and wise as she is in these matters. But in a more practical sense, it is simply that which captures the imagination and moves you. A particular speech from someone who utilizes words in a way that ring so true to your very being that you feel connected to it. Or being in a natural environment and such a peaceful place that you feel like you belong there and can relate to everything around you. Or allowing yourself to perform a task from the heart where you start and become engrossed in it forgetting all sense of time to the point of not eating or sleeping.

 

In limited doses I can force myself to become present such as a fight or flight response to some stimuli. Typically, I am extraordinarily present when driving. You would not want to be in a car with me. Not unless you are an extreme thrillseeker

 

I think you are describing flow state, a state we all strive to be in

Does your car have many many air bags?

 

x MFei

[Fred]

Fei, 

 

My ex-girlfriend and I were not together that many times.  Outside forces saw to that.  But when we were we were simply together.  We didn't have requirements, expectations, judgements, agendas or plans.  We just were.  Our gifts were a beautiful surrender and trust.  The rest of the world wasn't vanished.  I don't know how realistic it was or can be.  That is probably some thinking I shouldn't do.  But, the trust I felt with you was something that created that same light.  Pure.  Whole.  Sufficient.

 

I have sometimes think that depression can be the curse of the brilliant mind.  It could be in your case but I'm the exception. :-)  But I hate the thought of you having been faced with anxiety, stress or pain.

 

I have definitely been happier and feeling more grounded.  I was wary of a crash.  Today has been the most "down" of the days but I know it could be far worse.  I was glad to have scheduled the time when I did so I could look up, and forward to being with you again.

 

I will see you Monday.

[tommygermany]

Dear Ms. Fei,

 

I am single since 13 years... I haven't even been close to a relationship since.

I met some friends, who I thought I had a deeper connection, but I used to fall

in love with them and they never felt the same for me... right now, we are "still

friends on facebook" but I noticed we have nothing to say to each other anymore...

well I would have, but I noticed that in the last 5 years none of them started

a conversation...or sent the first message after some time...

so I think it is lop-sided and they are just pollite to answer... but they could

do well without having me as part of their lives...at least I feel that way

so actually I only say "Hi" now, when I see them online... but won't bother them

with any of my feelings and worries...to keep them happy and not worrying...

 

So for me finding the fortress and especially my first session with Ms. Ahn was

finding such a connection on another level... as you probably haven't read, since

it is an old thread... but when I sessioned for the second time and Ms. Ahn was

there again, I posted, that with two "dates" this would already make it my second

longest relationship...

and as special as every of the mistresses, that I sessioned with at the fortress

got to me over the years, I think there is a huge quality in each of you to make

someone, who is lost like me, somehow feel better as long as I am there...

 

btw by now my second longest "relationship" is with Ms. Kang... by number of "dates"

taken the time from the first session with her until now, it would even be the longest

one...

 

I know this sounds pretty miserable... but I am not... I am used to being alone and

get along, but still I am allowed to dream, right??? It still can get better, if I

would finally find someone special in my everyday life... and I keep hoping for it.

 

And until then I am glad to come back to the fortress

[questionmarks]

I'm curious to know how often you truly feel connected and present in life.

 

Do you have a particular instance that you can remember of a true connection? A click? If so, how did it feel and why did it stick with you?

 

Who was it? What effect did it have?

 

Do you feel you are able to be present at all times, why or why not?

 

What was a time you felt completely connected, present and in flow in the last month?

 

Do you come to the Fortress to feel that connection, that vulnerability and flow?

 

Always interested in learning more about the human condition and how it relates to BDSM.. Again- feel free to PM me if you have that privilege, if you'd rather speak to me in private. Excited to read and learn more about you.

 

x Fei

 

Ooh, I've only just now noticed this post. I'm really happy to answer more of your questions, Mistress Fei

 

You use the terms "truly" and "completely" in these questions, and that limits it some. The idea of feeling "completely connected" sometimes has a sense of dissolving into union, feeling "at one," or that sort of thing. I've felt that a couple of times in my life, but I find myself suspicious of the ways we're often inclined to interpret such an experience. My feeling of "connection, vulnerability and flow" when I came to the Fortress, on the other hand, felt (and feels in retrospect) much more exciting, intimate, beautiful, and, for lack of a better word, real, than those moments of "feeling at one."

 

I've had experiences of varying levels of intimacy with friends and lovers. One experience that has long stuck with me was just a glance. I was in college at the time, and taking a class with my then-girlfriend. At some point halfway between the class, I turned to look at her, and she to me, and I felt what was up until then the most intense, captivating sense of presence and intimacy. We just looked into each other's eyes for that extended moment, and for that moment there seemed to be nothing but our shared glance. I wound up writing her a poem about it. (When I read it to her I said it was about a small moment, her eyes lit up, and she said, "I think I know the moment." (She did.)) The poem featured the phrase "looking inside each other's looking." That sort of captures it. Of course, it helped that she had marvelous green eyes. But I think we happened to look into each other's eyes at a moment when both of us were completely focused on our thoughts and feelings about one another, and we could see and feel that in seeing each other's looking. It's a rare experience. I came away from it - and from the "at one" feelings, too - with a kind of hunger to return, but a clear sense that I could not live in that space. That strikes me as just as important as how amazing it feels to be so connected with someone else.

 

As for the Fortress: with Mistress Koi, I did not feel "at one," I felt at home, and the fact that the distinctions between me and mKoi, or between me and "the universe," did not dissolve, made the feeling of intimacy all the more intense. One way of describing why that hour was so intense, so striking, so memorable, is because I felt totally vulnerable and totally safe at the same time. I think that's why I was able to be so intensely present then. I was able to be exactly who I was in that moment, because I was safe to be totally vulnerable. Part of that safety was trusting mKoi, part of it was trusting the Fortress -- another part was trusting myself.

 

Regarding what I just wrote about not being able to live in such a space, yet another aspect of the connection and presence I felt at the Fortress was the sense of spatial and temporal boundaries. I didn't keep track of the time, but I knew that the session would come to an end, and I'd go back out onto the street, and out to dinner with a close friend. I didn't think about that until I was walking back through the gate towards the elevator -- because I didn't have to. I knew that I was in a safe, private world, that I could tell others about, or keep entirely to myself, because it was just between me, mKoi, and the Fortress. That's not something I feel in almost anything else in my life, that sense of the experience, the relationship, being contained unto itself, and though, again, one couldn't live in such a space (or, at least, I couldn't), it's really liberating and exciting to be able to go there more or less at will. (When I'm back in NYC, at least!) So: Yes, the fact that at the Fortress I can book a chance for that contained space and time for connection and presence, for vulnerability and safety, is a big part of the reason why I'm coming back ASAP. 

 

Now, if I'm a little looser with "truly" and "completely," I can say that I actually felt very connected, present, and in flow just yesterday. I'm fortunate, I feel very connected to my work. (I'm a scholar, so my work mostly entails reading, thinking, and writing.) I often find myself "clicking" into a train of thought, whether I'm just pondering, problem-solving, writing, or something else. I also, like you, am a daydreamer. I've also got a vivid imagination, and for a long time now fantasy has been really important in my life, so sometimes my daydreams are fantasies, and increasingly my fantasies are Fortress-fantasies For me, daydreaming feels connected and present. My daydreams aren't idle - perhaps it's better to call them flights of fancy, or something. So yesterday as I was reading through this Sanskrit text I'm working on, at a certain point, when I reached an exciting new passage, I stood up and started pacing around my apartment, meditating on the passage, and meandering through ways of working with it. This is one sort of daydream I have. I'm not actually doing work, I'm sort of just going for a mental walk, but I love and need such moments. The most productive thing in such a moment is to just track my streams of consciousness, let associations arise and fall, and stay present and attentive enough to catch the good stuff, follow it, and eventually take a more active role in shaping it and thinking it through. Sometimes this doesn't wind up relating to work at all. In any case, like with dreams, one can be more or less attentive to one's daydreams. Even when it's not particularly tethered to my work or a particular thought or plan, or to my fantasies of returning to the Fortress and such, I often feel very with-myself when I'm daydreaming.

 

It is, however, a very different sort of "connected" feeling than, say, the way I felt when I came to the Fortress. 

 

I hope that was sort of interesting, Mistress Fei! As I said in the Freud thread, I'm really looking forward to meeting you. Thanks for the new questions

[Mistress Zhao]

What a wonderful inquiry, Mistress Fei. I love the opportunity to be thoughtful and reflective in my posts.

 

The idea of feeling truly connected (to the source) and present in life is a practice I put under the umbrella of Mindfulness. This is contingent on nothing, it is an attitude and conscientiousness that pervades my daily moments as much as I remain open and present. I am mindful when I am preparing for a session as well as doing the dishes and watering my plants. The feeling of being connected also relates to being "in the flow" or "in the zone" and as time disappears, my true purpose in life channels through me.

 

But in the particular instance of having sessions at the Fortress, I also strive for connections and presence as much as possible, although there are still times when the synergy does not happen. That doesn't mean that the quality of the session is diminished, it simply becomes a different type of session.

 

I remember a singular client not too long ago, one I had never seen before. He came in quietly but left an indelible impression that surprised me. As I entered the room, I had a vision of this client playing a trumpet. As the session concluded, I asked him about his vocation and he said that he was in the city to play music. I asked him if he played trumpet and that was the very instrument he came to NYC to play that evening.

 

There have also been a handful of other clients with whom I've felt instant connections with. The connections are seemingly mental, but I feel them to also be energetic. Some even feel like familiar people, as if we knew each other in past lives. This is how I know I am present and mindful. These energies register in my senses as subtle and imperceptible to many, but clear and unwavering to me.

 

I'm curious to know how often you truly feel connected and present in life.

 

Do you have a particular instance that you can remember of a true connection? A click? If so, how did it feel and why did it stick with you?

 

Who was it? What effect did it have?

 

Do you feel you are able to be present at all times, why or why not?

 

What was a time you felt completely connected, present and in flow in the last month?

 

Do you come to the Fortress to feel that connection, that vulnerability and flow?

 

Always interested in learning more about the human condition and how it relates to BDSM.. Again- feel free to PM me if you have that privilege, if you'd rather speak to me in private. Excited to read and learn more about you.

 

x Fei

[Mistress Zhao]

heya squirtwhale!

 

I think your perspective on being very present and connected during times of heightened fear are spot on. Your senses become sharper as your adrenalin kick in and it's like having superpower senses. I think that these circumstances that call for our heightened awareness are special in that they can help you bring a little bit of it into your daily life, just at a slightly lower dose. And this lower dose of heightened awareness is what I call Mindfulness.

 

The meditation you speak of is also a way to bring this kind of awareness into daily life, at the prescribed lower dosage

 

 

Mistress Fei, I love your posts and questions! Feeling present and aware is something to strive for but for me can be elusive. I tend to day dream and get caught up in my wants, desires, fears that being present isn't always there. In the last decade I've searched and found some ways to quiet the "monkey mind" and find instances of awareness and peace. Becoming aware of your body and feelings in your body and learning to relax help.

Times in my life where I felt truly present were traumatic or fearful events. I went skydiving once on a tandem jump and.we were the last ones out of the plane. Watching others falling out of plane knowing soon that would be me made me very aware and connected. Also, being in bad car accident in the passenger seat, I felt very aware. It happened so quick but it was like slow motion as I saw it unfold. Also, other incidents made me aware and in the moment.

In the last month I feel connection daily when I exercise. I try and set time to myself to do this and quiet my mind and be present and.feel.

When in session at the FF I do feel present in the moment. Much of the experience is dealing with fear. Fear of not having control, not being liked or good enough, fear of pain. It's a thrill in that respect. Most of the time I would say I am present during sessions.

[theotherone]

I'm curious to know how often you truly feel connected and present in life.

 

Do you have a particular instance that you can remember of a true connection? A click? If so, how did it feel and why did it stick with you?

 

Who was it? What effect did it have?

 

Do you feel you are able to be present at all times, why or why not?

 

What was a time you felt completely connected, present and in flow in the last month?

 

Do you come to the Fortress to feel that connection, that vulnerability and flow?

 

Always interested in learning more about the human condition and how it relates to BDSM.. Again- feel free to PM me if you have that privilege, if you'd rather speak to me in private. Excited to read and learn more about you.

 

x Fei

MFei,

what an mind expanding series of questions to sit and ponder and share.

For me it was learned skill, a need to always be in the present. If not in the present then not in the moment. If not in the moment then not at all.

 

In this life there were a few experiences - all near death or experiences of death first hand that fortifide my unrelenting desire to slow time down as much as I could though you never do or can. Time is the most valuable and precious asset you have. It is not the absence of death that creates life since they are in an eternal dance together, but knowing there is a finite end and no surety of tomorrow really being that make NOW matter. 

 

And for many the pain of then -yesterday -past, confuses, clouds, obfuscates the Now so the now is not. The eternally tortured soul looking to change what was, so sad.

 

I have had reminders,

Looking in to eyes of my father as he died after many years of separation.

Driving an SUV off of an embankment of a highway and walking away through the windshield- and no you don't see a tunnel or your life pass before your eyes -imho.

Finding death at your feet.

 

So in this present life, until the next one, it is all about today. Many years of little sleep to use every hour -not to miss something BUT TO DO SOMETHING.

 

So when at the FF, it is about that moment and who you get to be with and if you feel that connection.

The vulnerability, the qualified yes, the fearful no, the embracing of new, the being alive with someone who knows, the opening of a new door can only be done with someone you feel connected to. If not your going to get hurt -and not in a good way.

 

Being in that moment, leading to that place, is all part of the now -it's awesome -it doesn't take a wizard to figure that one out, lol

[Mistress Fei]

Awwww Thanks for noticing, Miss Fei, but it is very scratchy and itchy on the inside.

 

While I recall a very happy childhood, it wasn't long before I found myself always struggling to keep up, live up to others expectations and my own visions of what I expected from myself. I have always been outside my comfort zone. Bluffing or studying my way to keep or advance my position. Dealing with situations that were beyond my intelligence and emotional capabilities.  This has served me well in the long run and I don't think I would do it differently given the chance. I am not a workaholic, these situations occur in my personal life as well. These are the things that life is about, but they have taken there toll on me. I am just now beginning to sort them out. 

 

I think what you're describing is the human condition- there was a moment in my life when i felt like a fraud and was told by someone much wiser that MOST people, if not all people, have moments where they think that as well. we are all here for you on your journey to sort these complex issues out, i'm sure you know that

[Mistress Fei]

Dear Ms. Fei,

 

I am single since 13 years... I haven't even been close to a relationship since.

I met some friends, who I thought I had a deeper connection, but I used to fall

in love with them and they never felt the same for me... right now, we are "still

friends on facebook" but I noticed we have nothing to say to each other anymore...

well I would have, but I noticed that in the last 5 years none of them started

a conversation...or sent the first message after some time...

so I think it is lop-sided and they are just pollite to answer... but they could

do well without having me as part of their lives...at least I feel that way

so actually I only say "Hi" now, when I see them online... but won't bother them

with any of my feelings and worries...to keep them happy and not worrying...

 

So for me finding the fortress and especially my first session with Ms. Ahn was

finding such a connection on another level... as you probably haven't read, since

it is an old thread... but when I sessioned for the second time and Ms. Ahn was

there again, I posted, that with two "dates" this would already make it my second

longest relationship...

and as special as every of the mistresses, that I sessioned with at the fortress

got to me over the years, I think there is a huge quality in each of you to make

someone, who is lost like me, somehow feel better as long as I am there...

 

btw by now my second longest "relationship" is with Ms. Kang... by number of "dates"

taken the time from the first session with her until now, it would even be the longest

one...

 

I know this sounds pretty miserable... but I am not... I am used to being alone and

get along, but still I am allowed to dream, right??? It still can get better, if I

would finally find someone special in my everyday life... and I keep hoping for it.

 

And until then I am glad to come back to the fortress

 

i hope you are able to find that special someone too. you beyond deserve it- such a kind and lovable person you are

[Mistress Fei]

Ooh, I've only just now noticed this post. I'm really happy to answer more of your questions, Mistress Fei

 

You use the terms "truly" and "completely" in these questions, and that limits it some. The idea of feeling "completely connected" sometimes has a sense of dissolving into union, feeling "at one," or that sort of thing. I've felt that a couple of times in my life, but I find myself suspicious of the ways we're often inclined to interpret such an experience. My feeling of "connection, vulnerability and flow" when I came to the Fortress, on the other hand, felt (and feels in retrospect) much more exciting, intimate, beautiful, and, for lack of a better word, real, than those moments of "feeling at one."

 

I've had experiences of varying levels of intimacy with friends and lovers. One experience that has long stuck with me was just a glance. I was in college at the time, and taking a class with my then-girlfriend. At some point halfway between the class, I turned to look at her, and she to me, and I felt what was up until then the most intense, captivating sense of presence and intimacy. We just looked into each other's eyes for that extended moment, and for that moment there seemed to be nothing but our shared glance. I wound up writing her a poem about it. (When I read it to her I said it was about a small moment, her eyes lit up, and she said, "I think I know the moment." (She did.)) The poem featured the phrase "looking inside each other's looking." That sort of captures it. Of course, it helped that she had marvelous green eyes. But I think we happened to look into each other's eyes at a moment when both of us were completely focused on our thoughts and feelings about one another, and we could see and feel that in seeing each other's looking. It's a rare experience. I came away from it - and from the "at one" feelings, too - with a kind of hunger to return, but a clear sense that I could not live in that space. That strikes me as just as important as how amazing it feels to be so connected with someone else.

 

As for the Fortress: with Mistress Koi, I did not feel "at one," I felt at home, and the fact that the distinctions between me and mKoi, or between me and "the universe," did not dissolve, made the feeling of intimacy all the more intense. One way of describing why that hour was so intense, so striking, so memorable, is because I felt totally vulnerable and totally safe at the same time. I think that's why I was able to be so intensely present then. I was able to be exactly who I was in that moment, because I was safe to be totally vulnerable. Part of that safety was trusting mKoi, part of it was trusting the Fortress -- another part was trusting myself.

 

Regarding what I just wrote about not being able to live in such a space, yet another aspect of the connection and presence I felt at the Fortress was the sense of spatial and temporal boundaries. I didn't keep track of the time, but I knew that the session would come to an end, and I'd go back out onto the street, and out to dinner with a close friend. I didn't think about that until I was walking back through the gate towards the elevator -- because I didn't have to. I knew that I was in a safe, private world, that I could tell others about, or keep entirely to myself, because it was just between me, mKoi, and the Fortress. That's not something I feel in almost anything else in my life, that sense of the experience, the relationship, being contained unto itself, and though, again, one couldn't live in such a space (or, at least, I couldn't), it's really liberating and exciting to be able to go there more or less at will. (When I'm back in NYC, at least!) So: Yes, the fact that at the Fortress I can book a chance for that contained space and time for connection and presence, for vulnerability and safety, is a big part of the reason why I'm coming back ASAP. 

 

Now, if I'm a little looser with "truly" and "completely," I can say that I actually felt very connected, present, and in flow just yesterday. I'm fortunate, I feel very connected to my work. (I'm a scholar, so my work mostly entails reading, thinking, and writing.) I often find myself "clicking" into a train of thought, whether I'm just pondering, problem-solving, writing, or something else. I also, like you, am a daydreamer. I've also got a vivid imagination, and for a long time now fantasy has been really important in my life, so sometimes my daydreams are fantasies, and increasingly my fantasies are Fortress-fantasies For me, daydreaming feels connected and present. My daydreams aren't idle - perhaps it's better to call them flights of fancy, or something. So yesterday as I was reading through this Sanskrit text I'm working on, at a certain point, when I reached an exciting new passage, I stood up and started pacing around my apartment, meditating on the passage, and meandering through ways of working with it. This is one sort of daydream I have. I'm not actually doing work, I'm sort of just going for a mental walk, but I love and need such moments. The most productive thing in such a moment is to just track my streams of consciousness, let associations arise and fall, and stay present and attentive enough to catch the good stuff, follow it, and eventually take a more active role in shaping it and thinking it through. Sometimes this doesn't wind up relating to work at all. In any case, like with dreams, one can be more or less attentive to one's daydreams. Even when it's not particularly tethered to my work or a particular thought or plan, or to my fantasies of returning to the Fortress and such, I often feel very with-myself when I'm daydreaming.

 

It is, however, a very different sort of "connected" feeling than, say, the way I felt when I came to the Fortress. 

 

I hope that was sort of interesting, Mistress Fei! As I said in the Freud thread, I'm really looking forward to meeting you. Thanks for the new questions

interesting answers James! I agree that there are varying levels of connectedness and understand your nuance. it's hard to feel anything other than present/connected when mKoi is around, isn't it?? and yes i also am very connected and in tune when i'm daydreaming, or even just walking through the city with head phones on. sometimes if i don't get my fill of both of those activities, i tend to burn out faster. i suppose it's like meditation for me, and sounds like it may function that way for you as well.

 

i'm really looking forward to meeting you too

[Mistress Fei]

What a wonderful inquiry, Mistress Fei. I love the opportunity to be thoughtful and reflective in my posts.

 

The idea of feeling truly connected (to the source) and present in life is a practice I put under the umbrella of Mindfulness. This is contingent on nothing, it is an attitude and conscientiousness that pervades my daily moments as much as I remain open and present. I am mindful when I am preparing for a session as well as doing the dishes and watering my plants. The feeling of being connected also relates to being "in the flow" or "in the zone" and as time disappears, my true purpose in life channels through me.

 

But in the particular instance of having sessions at the Fortress, I also strive for connections and presence as much as possible, although there are still times when the synergy does not happen. That doesn't mean that the quality of the session is diminished, it simply becomes a different type of session.

 

I remember a singular client not too long ago, one I had never seen before. He came in quietly but left an indelible impression that surprised me. As I entered the room, I had a vision of this client playing a trumpet. As the session concluded, I asked him about his vocation and he said that he was in the city to play music. I asked him if he played trumpet and that was the very instrument he came to NYC to play that evening.

 

There have also been a handful of other clients with whom I've felt instant connections with. The connections are seemingly mental, but I feel them to also be energetic. Some even feel like familiar people, as if we knew each other in past lives. This is how I know I am present and mindful. These energies register in my senses as subtle and imperceptible to many, but clear and unwavering to me.

 

very fascinating, thank you for taking the time to share mZhao. i was never able to fully put my finger on it before, but now i know why it is your presence always seemed special and different to me. it is your mindfulness and openness and your full commitment to any and all tasks at hand. you're not a frenetic person who lives in the past and the future as most everyone is- you are here in the now and at peace.

 

i think your forgiving and candid nature, even reflected in this reply (i'm pointing specifically to where you address that sometimes the synergy doesn't happen and that it's okay) also heighten that mindfulness and add a double layer of awareness and compassion. it's very admirable and i strive to add mindfulness to my daily life as well

[Mistress Fei]

MFei,

what an mind expanding series of questions to sit and ponder and share.

For me it was learned skill, a need to always be in the present. If not in the present then not in the moment. If not in the moment then not at all.

 

In this life there were a few experiences - all near death or experiences of death first hand that fortifide my unrelenting desire to slow time down as much as I could though you never do or can. Time is the most valuable and precious asset you have. It is not the absence of death that creates life since they are in an eternal dance together, but knowing there is a finite end and no surety of tomorrow really being that make NOW matter. 

 

And for many the pain of then -yesterday -past, confuses, clouds, obfuscates the Now so the now is not. The eternally tortured soul looking to change what was, so sad.

 

I have had reminders,

Looking in to eyes of my father as he died after many years of separation.

Driving an SUV off of an embankment of a highway and walking away through the windshield- and no you don't see a tunnel or your life pass before your eyes -imho.

Finding death at your feet.

 

So in this present life, until the next one, it is all about today. Many years of little sleep to use every hour -not to miss something BUT TO DO SOMETHING.

 

So when at the FF, it is about that moment and who you get to be with and if you feel that connection.

The vulnerability, the qualified yes, the fearful no, the embracing of new, the being alive with someone who knows, the opening of a new door can only be done with someone you feel connected to. If not your going to get hurt -and not in a good way.

 

Being in that moment, leading to that place, is all part of the now -it's awesome -it doesn't take a wizard to figure that one out, lol

that moment sounds terrifying- mind sharing more about what happened in that instance?

i can't even imagine what that was like..

[Outcast]

heya squirtwhale!

I think your perspective on being very present and connected during times of heightened fear are spot on. Your senses become sharper as your adrenalin kick in and it's like having superpower senses. I think that these circumstances that call for our heightened awareness are special in that they can help you bring a little bit of it into your daily life, just at a slightly lower dose. And this lower dose of heightened awareness is what I call Mindfulness.

The meditation you speak of is also a way to bring this kind of awareness into daily life, at the prescribed lower dosage

Thank you Mistress Zhao . I like the term "Mindfulness". Being in the moment and where you are with no worries and doing what's right for this moment. So not being in a terminal state of fight.or flight as with traumatic incidents, (ie, skydiving, fights, car accidents, getting raped with a 12 inch dildo ) but in a state of natural awareness and relaxation that even when crazy stuff happens you are able to ride the whirl winds and adapt.

[Mistress Fei]

Thank you Mistress Zhao . I like the term "Mindfulness". Being in the moment and where you are with no worries and doing what's right for this moment. So not being in a terminal state of fight.or flight as with traumatic incidents, (ie, skydiving, fights, car accidents, getting raped with a 12 inch dildo ) but in a state of natural awareness and relaxation that even when crazy stuff happens you are able to ride the whirl winds and adapt.

 

ahahahaha "12 inch dildo rape"..

[Fred]

Mistress Fei,

Some very hopeful things have developed as a result of our last session.  I will pass on the details later.

Fred

[theotherone]

that moment sounds terrifying- mind sharing more about what happened in that instance?

i can't even imagine what that was like..

Oh Dear Mistress Fei, terrifying? Of course to look into the face of death is terrifying but also soothing and releasing. When death comes it comes as that which completes the circle not to erase an edge. I simply think of the enso, what happens on the other side, I cannot control it, it is.

 

Connection to people, whether transient, permanent, lasting in passing, helps me in elongating the size.

 

Facing terror is part of facing yourself, on whatever level. Avoiding it is not to live? Love? Be?

 

INHO not that I am right or wrong , it is where I am, now...