Seduction

[Mistress Fei]

Was there ever a person in your life that stole your breath, your mind, your heart, your soul?

 

What was the relationship like, how do you think he/she was able to accomplish this? Were there specific moves, games, he/she played? What was it about the person, about your connection with them, about how you felt around them? Why were they able to infiltrate you in such a way, do you think, in retrospect? What were they like?

 

What was the aftermath?

 

Was it love, infatuation, lust or all 3?

 

 

 

[loveinthetimeofcollaring]

Was there ever a person in your life that stole your breath, your mind, your heart, your soul?

 

What was the relationship like, how do you think he/she was able to accomplish this? Were there specific moves, games, he/she played? What was it about the person, about your connection with them, about how you felt around them? Why were they able to infiltrate you in such a way, do you think, in retrospect? What were they like?

 

What was the aftermath?

 

Was it love, infatuation, lust or all 3?

 

This is a biggie of a question.

 

Warning, this is a bit long:

 

I alluded to this person on another thread, but way back when in high school I fell hard for a girl who I'll call J. I used to say to myself, "I would burn the world down for this woman" and in many ways that very thought terrified me because I knew that if that's what she wanted me to do, then that's what I'd do (or at least attempt to do).

 

For me it started in a mental realm, but really that was just fertile ground for the seeds of something more to grow. We met at the age of 15, right as AOL was booming in popularity and IM chats were becoming ubiquitous in teen conversation. Nearly every night we would chat for hours--seriously, off and on from 7 or 8pm until 3 or 4 in the morning. Sometimes we'd just watch a TV show together, real time commenting over IM and (later) phone.

 

Most of the time though we'd wander into some discussion or another, whether it was based on a book or on aspects of ourselves. In many ways it was regular teen philosophizing but she had a way of probing into areas of myself that I was either not acknowledging or outright trying to hide. Back then I'd yet to really meet anyone who was in their own head as much as I was and, to me, it was a revelation. On top of that though, she was insanely confident and--at the time--I couldn't even imagine rallying up a sliver of that confidence. I became seduced by the idea of a woman who was so much further along in the existence I was living, and I wanted to drink it all in and close the gap I felt was between us.

 

On her side, she was adamant that I didn't fully understand her or how messed up/damaged she was. Of course I insisted otherwise. We went back and forth like this for nearly a decade and a good number of the choices I made during that time were to try to bring myself to a point where I'd understand her (which often meant 'damaging' myself in a similar way to how she claimed to be damaged). But no matter how much I tried, she was always just out of reach.

 

For awhile I thought maybe that was the definition of paradise--to have something you will forever want and forever be able to strive for but never able to achieve. No disappointment, no wake up call, no hangover. Just questing, lusting, wanting, forever and ever.

 

It wasn't until I'd moved overseas and was truly alone alone for the first time in my life that things began to change. It didn't help that my move coincided with a fight between me and J. Anyway, there I was in a strange country with no friends or family or usual comforts of home and for 6 months I just seethed with a feeling of existential abandonment. I still remember walking along the barren coastline of this tiny fishing village in the bitter cold, so angry but without anywhere to really direct that anger to.

 

And then, with no logic or reason, the feeling went away. I'd pushed past it. Being alone became like listening to a favorite song and I started to greedily cherish the time. It was around then (and the months to follow) that I realized that while I kept viewing J as this ideal for me to reach, I was just as sick of the feeling like I was on a treadmill that was going too fast for me. So I got off.

 

We got over our fight and continued to be very close friends. I wavered with my feelings towards her for a long time, but my life kept moving forward and when, years later, she'd confess that she loved me, but it was simply too late. But I've still made a number of "bad choices" that echo back to my desire to feel closer to who she was as a person. I probably always will.

 

I saw her again a month ago for the first time in two years and I finally shared with her my D/s / BDSM interests. It was nice, after 17 years, to at last open up like that to her but I was shocked at how surprised she was--she thought, if anything, I'd be the one who wanted to do the dominating. Given how translucent I always felt around her, it was oddly comforting to find she couldn't necessarily see through me after all.